84/100 Thoughts about Visiting Home
An Invited Reflection
Paul asked me an important question when I was in Seattle. He was dropping me off from the night out, and asked: “I’ve been wondering. Do you feel lonely in DC?”
This is a rich question. I was invited to reflect and share a long question I carry. My response:
I’ve come to find that I will always feel lonely. It has taken a long time to realize that I have a closer relationship with depression than I’ve known, but, even though I know less people in DC, I feel less lonely than I did back in California. I say this with a brief qualification that this does not mean my friendships were shallow or false. I cherish them all. That said, I cannot deny that depression has been a longstanding constant so has the expected loneliness that would come with this.
But there is a different environment one finds in DC in comparison to OC. Here, my ambition is less unique, frankly. I do not mean this with ego, but among most people I knew, I was revered as “the guy who did stuff.” This is an exhausting thing.
At the same time, I find the basic divide one feels when seeing that things have moved on without you. The last city I lived in CA has changed so much from my time there. The cultural center we built there is different, in fact gone. The team that continued on with it after the restructuring gave the space fully to the cafe as they plan to relaunch in a different building. That foundational experience to me is now a closed door.
I appreciate the sorrow this can bring but also celebrate that things change and grow. It is this that has brought me to live elsewhere, and, as it goes, my own departure was perhaps a sign that life is wild and changes in unseeable ways.
More soon,
Trevor