On a Limit of Self-Love
Surprise and Care
I was at The Embassy Tour this weekend. For those of who not in DC or who don’t know, Passport DC will host an event where all the embassies in DC are open to visitors. It is just one of the many reasons why I adore living in this city.
We met up at Colombia’s open house and were chilling in line when we started talking about our careers (also very DC?). One of my friends is on his way to serve as a diplomat abroad. We talked about his process of learning Spanish and expectations in the work, and I was expressing a long-standing interest to go back for a second master's degree. I talked about ethics but also another interest, organizational leadership.
I see leadership as a gateway into interesting work. I find the work of leadership to be an infinite problem, regardless of sector, that must be managed, making it a less-temporary skill or knowledge to wield. Maybe this is a naive thought, but compared to something like a coding language, which may very well become ultimately converted to linguistic languages now that AI can write a code anyone describes from any language, leadership seems enduring.
My friend nodded his head in his calm, profound agreement. "We need that," he said. "Good leadership, especially from a beautiful, logical person like you," pointing at his heart and head. I thanked him. “I’m serious, man, you have a good heart.”
I stopped. He gifted me this. It was kind and genuine. This was a nice compliment, but it was also unexpected.
Somewhere
I discovered a certain flavor of life in 2018. I call it: “dude in a room.” Sitting alone in the little bungalow I rented with a dear friend, I looked out a small window and saw a tree shifting in the wind. Absurdly, I realized right then that I am just a dude in a room somewhere. It is the sense of being in space, a rapid and deep realization that I am on a planet and that there are others with lives as profound and silly as mine, etc.
I taste this flavor from time to time. I no longer see it as a danger sign but just that I am simply aware (and could maybe use some company).
The journey of this DC Chapter has certainly been one of self-love. I am practicing self-love by inviting stillness into my day, making time for things that flourish my sacred enthusiasm for life, and protecting myself.
In this practice, in these moments of “dude in a room,” I have become aware in what specific way that self-love is limited. I am standing in my studio, knowing I love that I have this moment of life and aware that I am also feeling something like dryness and am stuck wondering in a gaze at my walls.
Self-love can do many things, and I would even make the statement that it is totally essential for a happy, good life, but it is just one dynamic of a life.
The interesting thing about self-love is that it isn't refreshing; it’s restoring. It misses an element of surprise. I might liken it to drinking water when dehydrated. It is nourishing, and I feel my body's gratefulness instantly, but I literally made the experience happen. It is a skill to know when to create peace for yourself, maybe light a candle with gentle music playing. But I in fact planned that. Alternatively, there is nothing like a sudden hand on the back from a friend or an impromptu compliment that recharges the heart and makes visible one’s need for care.
Care from others is special because it is disarming and unexpected, its most important element. As a flavor, it is basil. It arrives like clarity and refreshes everything.
More soon,
Trevor
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