The Infinite Possibilities of a Freaking Apple
A Humble Attempt at Infinitude
Look at this.
Who on earth decided that apples needed a slogan? “Amazing flavor + Infinite Possibilities” is obviously ridiculous and over the top. It’s the definition of jumping the shark.
So when I got this bag of apples, I was stunned. What is this? More importantly, are they serious? Many of us, I’m sure, are ready to believe how wild this is and how unfortunate marketing efforts can be. But let us assume good intent here: they were possibly very serious about this effort.
There was no doubt a meeting of the minds where the great scholars came together to discuss the obvious but unfortunate truth: the market segment that needs infinite possibilities AND loves apples is under-served. For some confusing reason, the product “apple” has yet to connect with this niche but vast swath of consumers. And so here is the answer: let it be clear that this specific type of apple is the answer all you Buzzlighter-credos have been looking for.
But let’s get serious; it would be easy to take this apart and demonstrate how bizarre it is. Instead, here is a list of how they are right in this apparent statement that there is infinite possibilities behind these cosmic apples:
- You can eat them
- Your friends can eat them
- You can give them to your friends to eat them
- You can give them to your friends to eat them and eat one together
- You could throw them
- You could wrap them in something strange like that wrapping paper / foil blend and make them into ornaments or something like that for a variety of occasions
- You could set it on top of something to hold it in place, like a TV or bookcase
- You could use it as a metaphor about space
- You could use it as a symbol for the moon
- You could use it as a symbol for the moon after you eat pieces of it
- You could put it somewhere as a model for a painting or drawing lesson and practice that new hobby you started during the first lockdown
- You could lob it in the air, wink at someone who is in on the joke by your decision and say something really cool like, “see you on the other side” as you leave
- You could carve it like a pumpkin and display it on a related holiday like Arbor Day
- You could carve it like a pumpkin and display it on a non-related holiday like Leap Year Day (yes, it definitely counts)
- You could bake it into something, like a pie
- You could use it as a prop to stop your wobbling table
- You could use it as a replacement ball while playing tennis
- You could use it as a replacement ball while playing soccer
- You could use it as a replacement ball while playing croquet
- You could could use it as a prop to describe the ball you wish you had to play the sport you want to play
- You could chop it up and leave it somewhere
- You could chop it up and offer it as a house warming present
I would hope that it is apparent this list could continue. Enumerating infinity has a been a project for humanity, and I am just one guy in a room somewhere. However, this list still is one dimensional. If this is going to be a serious start to understand the infinite potential of an apple, let us consider the transitive application of this via its calories. After eating the apple, you could use the energy to:
- Fix a bike
- Run a mile
- Eat another cosmic apple
- Conduct market research and analysis for a vague product
- Read
- Plan a trip
- Sing a lot
- Restart that hobby you began during the first lockdown
- Visit a friend
- Gift something to your friend
- Gift them a cosmic apple
- Imagine together what things can be done with or after a cosmic apple
- Go to a soccer game
Again, the list prevails. Infinity endures.
True genius speaks for itself, but that I was shocked and skeptical to their evidently true claim of infinite possibilities really shows something on a cultural level about us, not the apple. Perhaps you also laughed at the picture like I did. But doesn’t that really just show how ill-prepared we are to accept truth when we encounter it?
We need this apple more than we know.
Trevor
