How to Go Bouldering
No Shirt, No Strategy
Had I known that, all those years ago, one little Groupon would have set my brother off on a total life-hobby, I would have shook his hand and something epic like, “It begins here.” (It was just a Groupon!) Close to 10 years later, there we were, in Orange, CA signing a waiver at the place where it all began.
The place was packed, utterly packed, on this night. There were lines to climb up certain parts of the walls. Waiting our turn, I had the chance to observe how people went about this whole business of bouldering, and there he was, the king of the rocks: Mr. No Shirt.
Mr. No Shirt had on only jeans and rock climbing shoes. Jeans. The dude just was wearing denim (and no shirt) in this indoor, shared-equipment activity. The line moved and it was his turn at the green route, which is something in the middle-to-difficult side of the scale. Everyone became immediately aware that he has great back muscles, but we also watched him struggle a bit after starting, bat at the hold he needed, and then fall.
Someone from somewhere came up to him, and they started talking strategy. Strategy. I watched them point at things and then this sudden coach started the route in a different position to demonstrate. He scaled the wall in a matter of easy seconds.
He returned to Mr. No Shirt and the conversation returned to strategy (which is a term I’m loosely using to mean “a way in which you discuss how you will do something”). I watched these two point at the wall, as if the green rocks weren’t obvious, and then they nodded in brotherly farewell as Mr. No Shirt returned to the task.
It occurred to me, then, that this is really what everyone is doing. And I began to hear it all.
“I was making my way up this way, but I got locked on this grip there.”
“Yeah, if I could just bridge this gap and hit this one, I’m up.”
“You need to grab then swing.”
(These are abbreviated for emphasis, but I seriously promise I heard these things.)
When it came my turn, I leaned in and used it as bonding with my brothers. It was a lot of fun pointing out the obvious and ignoring the fact that we simply weren’t strong enough to “just cross over from there to there.”
And so here is the first and only rule of bouldering, for those who are tempted to try this or find an interesting Groupon. The main sport of bouldering isn’t climbing, it’s talking about climbing.
You need to lean into this strategy mindset and play your role (and actually fail to climb). Arriving at the top of the climb is truthfully disappointing. The main task and rhythm of bouldering is the following:
- Go to the rock wall and fall off as soon as believably possible
- Do or do not land well from your fall
- Stand up and observe the wall, preferably with at least one hand on hip (both is best)
- Look up and down at the literal only path in front of you as if it weren’t clear
- Try, fall, and then locate someone (if someone hasn’t already found you) and discuss the situation as if it were a mental exercise and not a physical one
In effect, talk about what you could do and ignore the fact that you can’t do it
Knowing these steps, I found the whole experience to be quite fun. It was a nice thing to do with my brothers while visiting home. I would do it again.
Here’s a picture of me absolutely defying peril (ignore that the ground is right there).
Trevor
